Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This is the high leading the old right now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
