I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
