I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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