apparently the secret to your success is patron
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
