i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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