did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
