No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
