Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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