hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
