thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
