I feel great
I just peed on a car
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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