I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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