wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
