it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In other news, I just burned my penis
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
