dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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