This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
