I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
