There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
