So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
