Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
