oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dear god my vagina.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
