I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
