Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
