I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
