I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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