lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
