new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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