A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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