Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
