WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
