Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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