You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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