Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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