I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
