Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
