I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
