Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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