[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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