I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
