my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
