I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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