So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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