Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
