moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
