Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Randomize
