She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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