I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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