How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
