I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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