i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
