i don't like sucking hair
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
